Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Two years and sixteen days and the pain is as fresh as ever

I've taken a break, well actually more of a few terms, to allow my heart and soul to process the loss of my lovely daughter, Mel. Despite time passing (2yrs and 1mth today), the pain is as fresh as ever, I miss her cuddles, her laugh, her beautiful, beautiful green piercing eyes, her singing and wow could she sing! and her kindess for so many in her life and yes, I miss her being the greatest pain in the butt at times when she drove me completely to distraction - it was at those times that I should have loved her the most, but like someone who is wounded and hurt, I pushed her away far too many times than I should have and for that I will grieve the most. Despite all her health issues, she tried her hardest at what were in the end insurmoutable obstacles and now I am lost without her, my only child. People say ' the pain gets easier, once all the 'firsts' are over, it will get easier to carry on. It doesn't. The pain sits in my chest like a big hard lump, never to be removed, never to be forgotten. She wasn't an angel, she made mistakes, but don't we all and for better or worse, she was my daughter, mistakes and all. I brought her into this world but I didn't get the chance to be with her when she died. She chose that time and my saddest regret was that she died alone, with no-one there to tell her to hang on, we loved her, help was coming. Something died in me too that day and I'm not the same person any more. I don't find joy and happiness in my life, I don't even know where to look anymore. Oh, I go to work, I care for my patients, I get a certain joy of helping them at the worse time of their lives and in most cases I get to see them go home to carry on and live another day despire their health, because for them every day is precious, every moment one they want to live. I don't know how to find peace in my heart and i don't know how muchh longer I can go on feeling so goddam empty inside. I can't even pray any more. It's like that song 'Jesus take the wheel, I can't do this anymore" - well that's where I'm at the moment, wishing he would take the wheel

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